So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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