Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
