her vagine was all disorganized.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
