my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
