Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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