he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Bring me that man meat
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
