You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
