I puked a lego.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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