wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
