I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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