I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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