Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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