my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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