at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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