Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
