My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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