What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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