I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
they're like a gay fantastic four
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
