so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
