i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
