I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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