ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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