I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
