After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
