cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
