I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
