I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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