He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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