the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
