his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
no. you can't hotbox the world.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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