direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
