question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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