Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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