why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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