Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
