I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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