Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
