I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
