You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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