You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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