u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
