is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
