All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
