I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
