my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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