tell your sister to shave her snatch
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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