dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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