Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
