today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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