Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
