I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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